happiness

The Boomerang Generation: Breakin’ Up Is Hard To Do

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Thankful, Idol Worship-y, Ageless, Connected, Terrified.

Most of us grew up with a similar dream. Get through K-12, go to college, graduate, move out, be independent, make money, live life. At 17, all you are looking forward to is the freedom-filled lifestyle of living on your own, away from (so thought at the time) nagging parents, going out, meeting new people, etc. At 17, you don’t think you’ll ever be back at your parents’ house when you’re an “adult.” At 17, you’re naive and doe-eyed, frolicking about in your happy little daydream. But it happens. From 18-22, you do exactly what you dreamed of. Most of us get jobs or go to grad school and still continue that dream. And then something else happens; you’re laid off, the market is down, you’re in loan debt, someone needs help, and the next thing you know, you’re 30 years old and sleeping in your childhood bedroom with your parents right next door.

I’ve clearly made things sound awful, but that’s not my intention. Please read on. The Boomerang Generation, as it has now been coined, is defined as:

“[…] the current generation of young adults in Western culture. They are so named for the frequency with which they choose to cohabitate with their parents after a brief period of living on their own – thus boomeranging back to their place of origin. This cohabitation can take many forms, ranging from situations that mirror the high dependency of pre-adulthood to highly independent, separate-household arrangements.” according to Wikipedia (I know, I know, but in this case, it’s on point).

I’ll be the first one to say I’m 100% part of that generation. I went to college in New York City, but stayed on campus. I then moved to Bombay for a year & some-odd months to equal parts escape a traumatic situation and delve into some long-held dreams. I came home for 2 months & then moved to the Caribbean for medical school. I’ve lived in 2 countries, went to a professional school, gotten a job, started my own company, been as independent as can be..only to come right back to the house I’ve lived in since I was 5. Many people come home as a result of necessity, financial or otherwise. I came home for comfort as well. The same irritation I had with my parents at 17 is the same acceptance I have with them at 32. To give them their due, they’ve also had to grow and change between my brother & myself discovering alcohol, quitting our respective professional schools, relationship woes, etc. (this also means they’re less annoying & more understanding now..or maybe we are, who knows). We all accept each other as adults and honestly, my parents are 2 of my closest friends, & pretty freaking interesting, intelligent, and diverse people. I talk choreography with my mom, toss back a few brews with my dad (sorry, trying to appeal to the XYs here too) and we just plain hang out like homies on a brownstone stoop waxing poetic about the good old days and dreaming of the new old days. Obviously we all get on each others’ nerves from time to time and no matter how old we are or how experienced they are, a parent is a parent is a parent and my dad still tells me to “Stop drinking sodas and all of this junk, you’ll get kidney stones” and “Look for a good guy” and my mom still tells me to “live a routine life” and “Can you please not go out on Friday nights because then I have trouble on Saturday mornings after staying awake until you get home.” These are peppered in between the “You will be successful, I know you will-s” & the “You can do everything you want to do, we will help you and make sure of it-s.”

Recently, I almost lost both of them in the span of 4 months & it has been the toughest experience of my life. Being forced to face my most terrifying fear with no control over any aspect of the situations or circumstances is not the way I had wished to spend Christmas & the new year. But over the time I spent in the hospitals and doctors’ offices and being Florence Nightingale, I learned that despite all of my gilded dreams and wanderlusting fantasies, I was never more thankful that I was at home with them. That I could, in whatever absolute miniscule way, try to repay them for their years of selflessness, confidence, education, tolerance, acceptance, guidance, never-ending love, and a limitless list of other adjectives.

The point is, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re one of my boomerang brethren. These are the people who love you unconditionally and raised you to the best of their abilities and for many of us who are 1st generation Americans, probably also sacrificed incredible amounts to give you the life you enjoy (whether it doesn’t always feel that way or not) today. They’re not going to be the ones who shame you or guilt you when you need to come home; after all, wasn’t it them who incessantly lamented about the whole “empty nest” thing anyway!? The stigma that used to befall those adults who still lived at home (“OH, YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR MOM!?”) is not as prevalent today, and I, for one, am glad for it. The only thing I’m worried about now is if, & when, my parents try to break up with me: “It’s not you, it’s us.” 😦

Basically, there’s no place like home, and OH, BTW, BRADLEY COOPER STILL LIVES WITH HIS MOM TOO so I think we’re all gonna be just fine.

Today’s Interlude: Taylor Swift, “Never Grow Up”

Dear Me, Dear Abby’s Got Nothin’ On You. Love, Me.

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Hindsighted, Introspective, Confident, Renewed.

Well, here is a belated start to the new year. Recently, a younger person asked me about some of the bigger choices that I’ve made in my life and where I see myself in the near future, & if I’m content with the decisions I had made in the past. She was facing a crossroads herself and wanted to get some insight for her own situation. This brought me back to a couple of years ago, when a friend of mine asked me an interesting question that she wanted an answer to for her debut podcast. The words came so fast & furious that it wasn’t until I was directly asked this question that I realized how much I, & we all, must have thought about this same topic at one time or another whether inside of our own heads or otherwise. I agreed to answer the question anonymously because at the time, I didn’t really want all of my personal thoughts out there, but I soon realized that it’s not something to hide from or be ashamed of or pretend never happened; especially if you’ve learned from it and become better because of it. Below is the question..& my answer to myself. 🙂

What would you tell your 20-year old self in a letter? What advice, words of wisdom, pearls of knowledge, warnings, guidance, would you give to your younger self? Would you steer yourself differently? Pat yourself on the back for certain things? 

Dear Siddhi,

At 20, you think you have all of the time left in the world to “do it all.” All I can say to you is, “time flies” is an understatement & before you know it, you will wake up in your childhood home one day, almost 30, with a lot of the same “all” left to do. Be brave. Have the balls to tell the world that you’re going to do what you want to do & how you want to do it. Have the balls to tell the world that you are who you are & though you will actively try and correct your flaws all the while acting like a “hardcore tough guy”, your core is wholly genuine and surprisingly soft..so tread lightly. Quit pre-med.Realize that you don’t have to do something that you have an inclination towards & are semi-good at just to prove it to society. Your parents love you (somewhat obsessively & in the best way possible although you won’t realize that now), & despite the overwhelming guilt you feel, at some point, they WILL understand. If you speak up, it will be sooner rather than later and everything that feels like a burden will be lifted making way for the utmost clarity. Respect yourself. Don’t keep letting everyone treat you as the revolving door AND the doormat in front of it. Sometimes it’s okay to want to say no to favors that people ask of you. If they don’t remain in your life because you chose yourself over everyone else for the first time ever, let them go. Don’t hang on & try to make everything better. That kind of “better” isn’t worth it. Stick to your values & ideals. Just because other people are writhing in a darkened club corner in a drunken tangle and you choose not to doesn’t make you a prude or cold. It makes you someone with self-respect and self-worth; & at the end of the day and every other day to follow, that is what will take you all the places you want to go. Break it off. The person you are with right now is hindering you from the person that you have all of the possibilities of becoming. Sometimes, love isn’t enough. When it becomes a consumption that is unworthy of your heart, time, & effort, it has to go. It will do nothing but drain you of everything that you are and take so much time away from your life that the day it all comes to a head, you will feel like you are literally left with nothing..open your eyes, wake up, & stop it before it happens. Be cautious. Not everyone is trustworthy, no matter how much good you want to see in people. People can be inherently good, but some can be inherently manipulative. Pick less than a handful of people & stick with them. The entire world doesn’t need to love you. And in reality, the entire world won’t. Genuine people won’t have loose lips. Sincere people won’t have more than one face. Trustworthy people won’t be malicious. Not confiding in everyone doesn’t make you closed off. It makes you selective..and with all the good reason in the world. Serve. Do all that you can to give back in whatever way you can. You won’t know this now, but even the smallest form of charity will make you feel fulfilled and full of something that you won’t be able to give a name to, but the feeling itself will be enough. Call it spirit, if you want. Call it love. Call it whatever, but just do it. FOLLOW YOUR PASSION. This will forever be the most important thing I ever say. Write, cook, design, dream. Don’t ever change your view on individual life timelines. Don’t conform to societal standards of what is “proper.” Dance your life away. Train, teach, choreograph, audition, perform, be truly happy. Nothing on this earth will ever be able to give you that euphoria that you get when you perform. Not now, not 10 years from now. It is something that is innate & no matter what, you will never be able to separate it from yourself, even if you ever stupidly try to. It is within you. It IS you. You will always be blind to the audience. You will always be unaware of the footwork. You will always feel alive under those lights. You will only be “at home” on that stage. JUST.DO.IT. Travel. Just get up & GO. Don’t let attachments prevent you from seeing the world that your inner wanderlust so desperately wants you to see. GO. Trust your gut. Only 6 words need to be said to sum that up. It will never steer you wrong. EVER. (Okay, maybe 7 words). Inspire and be inspired. Do things that get other people going. Be someone that makes others follow your lead on a path of fulfillment, contentment, happiness, and most of all, innovation. Let the “never gonna happen” attitude be lost & make way for “never say never.” Let go. Don’t hang on so tight that things slip away. Some things aren’t worth holding on to & some things will still remain in even the loosest of grips. Let go of the past. You don’t have to forget the things you’ve been through, but don’t let them affect your world in the present. It will only make your heart heavy & still and your mind a maniacal whirlwind. This is so important, I’m saying it twice. Let go. And finally, Siddhi, BELIEVE. Believe in your family. They are your greatest strength. Believe that everything is a possibility, not just “anything.” Believe that the things you want can be attained. Believe in no time limits. Believe in love, as difficult as that may be to do. Believe in happiness. It will begin as a trickle & transform into a waterfall..but it will come. Let it in. Most importantly, believe in you. And believe that, maybe even 10 years from now or 10 years from then, you actually CAN “do it all”..

So, what would you tell yourself if you knew what you know now..THEN?

Today’s Interlude: Frou Frou, “Let Go.”

LINK TO @r2the’s ORIGINAL PODCAST (give it a listen..there are many others who participated & you or someone you know/love may learn something for yourselves): “LETTERS”

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES: FLIRTY 30’S VS. DIRTY 30’S

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Hope, Happiness, Furor, Independence, Strength, Love.

If there’s anything that Sex & The City has taught us single 30-somethings in NYC, or any city for that matter, it’s that whether or not you’re anywhere near finding your Mr. (or Mrs.) Big, the dating scene will provide you with much fodder to talk about over brunch with the girls. The constant he-said/she-saids, the will they/won’t theys, the should I/shouldn’t I-s often turn Sunday afternoon mimosas into Monday morning hangovers.

Most days I feel like a combination of Taylor Swift, a Disney princess, & Daria. None of the looks, some of the grace, all of the snark..in one messily wrapped romantic present; using both meanings of that last word. Other days, I feel like an old lady who’s running out of time. All of the above are valid. As a 32 year old person who has been single for the past 7 years, you’d think I’d be missing being in a relationship. The truth is, I’m more content than I have been in a long time. That’s not some bitter-but-Beyoncé-esque-independent-woman sentiment either. At this point in my life, I just feel like I would like to concentrate on myself; my career (big change from medical school to fashion designer), my family (whom I have neglected in the past when consumed in a relationship), my nephew (who is my lifetime Valentine), and just my own overall well-being. Now, if I were 18-23 years old and saying this, everyone would be lauding me on my thought process & how I’m “so mature, that’s a great way to find yourself and see what you want out of life!” but at 32, the same people are literally distressed for me; “Oh wow, don’t you want to have children? Aren’t you worried you’ll be alone & seek companionship when it’s too late? Time is running out! Let me set you up, I know this friend who knows a friend!” No. Sorry. I do not want to meet some random human that you know through your boss’ secretary’s dog’s groomer. Time is not running out. I’m 32! Hopefully I’m not about to disappear tomorrow; I survived the End of the World in 2012 after all! Yes, children are important to me. I want little mini-me creatures running amok in the world causing hilarity and absurdity in the lives of the population more than anything else in the world, but there are options. We don’t live in the age where single parenthood, freezing eggs, surrogacy, etc. are not available to us. Not to say that I want any of those things, but though I do want to be happily married someday, I don’t think a husband is the be-all & end-all of my world. For those who know me, you know my favorite woman of all time besides my mother, grandmother, & godmother, is Mindy Kaling. And you know what, unsurprisingly enough, she said it best:

“I would love to be married. But it’s not a necessity like the way that I feel I need & want to have children. It would be wonderful to have a husband, & I would feel blessed to do it. But I would feel sad for the rest of my life if I had no kids.”

Plus, between trying an online site & finding a couple of nice guys who weren’t quite my type & some who were more arrogant than Charlie Sheen on a tiger blood rant, and making myself “more available & approachable” by going out to various events (aside from the bar scene, FYI) and nearly being mauled by someone else’s face on mine with the witty inebriated pickup line of “Whatever, can I just kiss you now!?,” the dating scene isn’t all that savory right now in my experience. Flirting has turned into what I like to call “dirting;” the new wham bam thank you ma’am of the current supposedly adult-ish generation, but without even the facade of genuine interest.

There are plenty of think pieces, blog posts, hell, whole books dedicated to “the single 30-something,” & most often, they are directed towards the single 30-something woman. I tried a Google image search using “single 30-something women” to find a picture for this post & except for pictures of SJP, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, & Kristin Thomas, all I saw were pictures of sad lonely women, a headline of Kim Kardashian saying “I Thought I’d Be Married By Now,” & a book titled something like 30-Something, Why Am I Still Single? I relate to NONE of the above. And this isn’t some feminist rant, but come on! All of my friends are working, traveling, creating..living..single or otherwise. They aren’t sitting & wallowing in their singledom, they’re enjoying it, & some want to keep it that way forever while the others are dating or content in the belief that “it’ll happen when it happens.”

Basically all I have to say to those who keep asking me when it’s going to be my turn, today on Valentine’s Day, and every other day is this:

Bitch, don’t kill my vibe.

Today’s Interlude: Michael Bublé, “Haven’t Met You Yet”