society

I Tried Carrying The Weight Of The World, But I Only Have Two Hands: The Agony of Anxiety

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Worried, Stressed, Exhausted, ANXIOUS.

This is probably my most personal post yet & I’m hoping I actually hit “publish” before deleting the whole thing. I don’t know about you, but over the past decade or so, I’ve been hearing much more about “anxiety” than I ever have before, or maybe I’ve just gotten older and have had way more experience with it than I’d like. Most of us use the word “anxious” as a substitute for “nervous,” & although they have many overlaps, trust me when I say they’re completely different things. I was nervous before launching my own company, I am anxious all the time.

I’ve always been a relatively confident and logical human being. Yes, it’s possible that I’m more emotional than most & feel things very intensely, but I could always rationalize and understand situations without suddenly feeling like my world was crumbling. Over time however, I’ve realized that I started developing a real anxiety issue. I can attribute this to situations from my childhood & failed relationships & starting medical school and quitting medical school, and a plethora of other events that could cause anyone minor anxiety, but for me, it has ballooned into an unmanageable situation causing dysfunction and deflation. Add those events to the life of an already introverted, hyper self-aware, super-emotional, over-imaginative pessimist & there is only disaster.

Lately, I’ve started worrying about things that have only the most miniscule chance in hell of happening, but I worry about them constantly. My parents’ health woes took a huge toll on me & now I stalk them like a little creepy shadow daughter. The idea is that if I am always there with the people I worry about, then I can control the situation and in turn, the scary thing I fear will not occur. This is not logical because I have not yet been cloned (& I don’t think anyone who knows me would even allow that for the sake of their own sanity) & I obviously cannot be everywhere at once. This fact alone causes me great anguish because lack of control over something I feel deeply about is something that drives me completely nutty (currently, I’m only partially nutty). The lack of control over my negative thoughts (please see header image above..that’s literally me in cartoon form) sends me into an anxiety spiral that I usually need my inhaler to get out of. What’s also fun is that an anxiety attack can mimic symptoms of a heart attack & I usually end up sweating & short of breath, with chest pain & tingling limbs; a fantastic thing to watch in a notorious hypochondriac (someone should really take me on the road as a traveling one-woman emotional circus, might as well cash in on myself).

The problem with anxiety is that it’s sometimes overlooked & treated as though it’s a minor issue that an individual who suffers from it can get past by just changing their thoughts. “Just think positive! Control it! Count to 10!” Hello friends, if changing thoughts & inner processes were that simple, who out there wouldn’t be a perpetually happy, content, self-assured person!? I don’t even know that the worst-case scenario thought is coming before it’s already onto catastrophic proportions-case scenario! It’s an agonizing & literally physically and mentally exhausting condition when it gets too far (a la moi) & even more so when the individual refuses to ask for help and believes that they can sift through their irrational concerns on their own because that’s what they’ve always done (again, a la moi), because then there is an internal battle of why won’t this go away like it always has & will this get worse if I don’t explain it to someone else out there? I could go on & on about the stigma of such disorders that is out there, but honestly, you can just Google that and get more articulate & thorough information out there than I could provide for you. I’m not the biggest fan of therapy or drugs (I know that’s rich coming from an ex-medical student with a psychology major/sociology minor, but..sorry?), but it’s not because of any stigma. I’m an advocate of all of the above..for everyone else. I’m not a talker, I’m a thinker & the idea of having to go through my life story & delve into my past with someone who knows nothing about me is less comforting than it is terrifying. And the idea of them giving me a houseful of Xanax is even worse. But recently, even I have had to admit to the fact that something has to be done for me, & more importantly, it has to be done by me. The 7 years of insomnia, the daily “what ifs,” the negative terror-thought cycle, the improbable scenarios, the sudden dread at nightfall, and the immense need to control situations and people would be beautiful traits written for a character in reel life, but they don’t belong in my real life (but in case anyone in the industry is reading this, I can totally play myself if you decide to bring that character to life; Oscars, here I come!). 😛

What I can say is that I know that I’m not alone. I’m upset about that because I wish no one had to suffer through the constant crippling & paralysis that severe anxiety has on one’s day/goals/social life/entire life, but I’ve finally understood & come to terms with the fact that it can be managed. What we all can do & should do is be people who support one another, empathize with one another, & understand each other to the best of our abilities (this is true whether you suffer from it or not, btw).

In the words of Bastille, “But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” The new & hopeful words of my inner self are just beginning to form an answer..I am gonna be an optimist about this. I have a fabulous life to live.

P.S. If you suffer from anxiety, there are apparently a million resources out there, check ’em out here.

Today’s Interlude(s): “Don’t Let Me Get Me,” Pink & “Happy,” Pharrell Williams (kind of a before & after thing)

What is Art? Is art art? Are we art?: Lisa Turtle’s Dilemma & Its Relation To 5 Pointz & Self-Expression

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Arts & Culture: What is Art? Is art art? Are we art?: Lisa Turtle’s Dilemma & Its Relation To 5 Pointz & Self-Expression

Today’s Mood Ingredients: Inspired, Sad, Artistic, Logical.

If you’re not a New Yorker or you’re not an artist, there is a chance you may not have heard of iconic 5 Pointz, an outdoor art exhibit space on a 20,000 square foot factory building in Long Island City. Aerosol artists from New York’s five boroughs & all over the world came to 5 Pointz to graffiti (in the non-negative sense of the word) all over the space, attracting the likes of boldfaced stars like Doug E. Fresh, Mos Def, & Joan Jett as well. 5 Pointz became a haven for those artists whose medium was aerosol spray cans, and let’s be honest, not quite the most respected of the lot. They would flock to the factory building to express, impress, inspire, collaborate, and experiment, all the while creating incredible colorful displays of, what I presume to be, their thoughts. Unfortunately, as of November 2013, 5 Pointz is no longer in existence. As the curator of the space petitioned to have 5 Pointz become a museum & save it from demolition, the owners of the building had the space whitewashed overnight with the security of police protection. Here comes the question. What was the point in the whitewashing? If the building was to be demolished anyway, why add insult to injury & just go and basically delete the years of expression and artistry and hard work that went into the pieces on those walls? Understandably, the owners of the building had/have the right to do whatever they want with the space, it’s theirs. What I don’t understand is this; for years, this space was a place for community and expression. For years, it thrived as a place for this specific type of artist to come & not be arrested for using aerosol to create. Why the sudden urge for condominiums (and in an already saturated Long Island City)? It is obviously illegal to “tag” up a public place & you can and will be arrested for graffiti’ing pretty much everywhere, which I agree with. Sorry, but I don’t want to see your big orange bubble letters on a public library wall. However, I can appreciate artistry with the best of them & do believe that those individuals who excel in this form of art should have a place where they are free from the fear of glowing blue & red lights and silver (definitely not a cute accessory) cuffs. The need for people to put their feelings into something solid and tangible is valid. The need for a businessperson to want to make more money is valid. I refuse to believe that some sort of agreement or middle ground couldn’t have been reached in this case.

All of that rhetoric aside, I’d like to ask a question of you. What is self-expression exactly? An outlet that allows an individual to feel free, to be themselves, to be unique, maybe to release stress or anger or sadness? That’s what it is to me, anyway, and I couldn’t survive without it. I don’t know what I’d do if someone suddenly erased all records of my dance performances or told me that I can no longer use a particular space to dance in that I had been connected to and performing in for years. In my opinion, self-expression is a necessity for society. To be able to not only make yourselves feel, but to inspire and to make others feel something, anything, with something you have created with the fruits of your labor is an irreplaceable, inherently good thing. To many, it may be intangible. To many, it may be too philosophical. But to many, it is innate and it is important.

Art to one person, whether it be performance or creative or visual, may be trash to another, but who is the decision maker as to what should be revered and what should be disregarded? My heart goes out to you, artists of 5 Pointz & all other such artists out there. The wonderful part about expressing yourself through your art is that you always have your tools within you. That’s something no one can steal from you & I suppose there is at least a little solace in that. I hope you find somewhere else accepting of your immense talents and understanding of your visions, because, Ansel Adams said it best:

“No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit.” 

More information about 5 Pointz here, and more articles about the demolition here.

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(Header photo credit: http://www.inhabitant.com; Footer photo credit: @WNYC on Twitter)

Today’s Interlude: The Living End, “Prisoner of Society”

 

The iGeneration: Text Me, Tweet Me, If You Wanna (Maybe) Reach Me

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ImageCulture: The iGeneration: Text Me, Tweet Me, If You Wanna (Maybe) Reach Me

Today’s Mood Ingredients: Mobile, Multitasking, Connected, Disconnected.

This post isn’t about anything novel and it isn’t written as well as the thousands of other posts about it, but I like having an opinion on most things, so here you go. I’m one of those individuals that is lucky enough to have been part of two eras of technology; the one where I used a pencil to wind an audio &/or video cassette, blew on Nintendo games to make them work, had a Walkman, had to just wait it out if someone wasn’t someplace at some time, and had dial-up America Online (“10,000 FREE HOURS!”) with a parentally mandated 1 hour of internet a day and the current “iGeneration” era where you Snapchat a photo of yourself to put on Instagram to simultaneously share on Facebook & Twitter while making sure none of it ever gets on your LinkedIn page and never having to get off of your iPhone to do any of it.

I’m on my phone pretty much most of the day. I watch TV on it, I pay bills on it, I check statements on it, I take pictures on it, I converse with people on it, I use both personal & company social media on it; hell, it even has a name (Pablo, btw). Strangely enough, I rarely take calls on it though. I don’t even use my laptop for weeks at a time, because it doesn’t fit in my pocket. I sometimes literally feel an urge to tweet something just for the sake of not having done so in a few hours. But alright, let’s say for the sake of being devil’s advocate (and using it as a fabulous excuse), that social media is a networking tool & I need it for my fashion brand, and in order to bring awareness to my fashion brand, I also have to utilize my personal network (this is great, I just convinced myself in that one sentence that I should be on all of my social networks at all times, I need an intervention). What about all the rest of it?  Texting other people while at dinner with a completely different group of people? Forgetting to eat the food on your plate because you’re busy rearranging it so it makes for a pretty Instagram or Foodspotting picture?  Making a completely unnecessary ridiculous face into your “selfie” (I’ll go into my rage at that becoming Webster’s word of the year in another, possibly beer-induced post) camera for the sole reason of captioning it with “OMG SO AWK!” and Snapchatting someone with it? TEXTING AT THE MOVIES WITH YOUR BRIGHTNESS ON MAX!? I’m a little concerned for my two & a half year old nephew’s generation because this will be the norm to them. He has already known for over a year how to maneuver iPads and iPhones and iLaptops. He accidentally uses the regular TV as a touch screen sometimes! iPad was probably his 4th word after vacuum, mommy, and daddy. WHEN IS IT ALL TOO MUCH!?!?

In case you haven’t noticed by now, recently I’ve been experiencing world wide webxaustion. I think it partially hit when I went to the AT&T kiosk and the employee showed his colleagues with awe (& I’m pretty sure, a little disgust) that I’m the first person that he had ever met who actually made full use of the unlimited data plan with the fact that I use 12GB a month (the silver medal of the iPhone Olympics was awarded to my brother with a close but no cigar 10GB a month). Then it hit when I noticed my family & friends, including me, all on our phones at the same time while supposedly spending time with each other! I’m guilty of all of the annoying things I mentioned earlier (except I refused to ever succumb to Snapchat & I stopped the movie one, I swear), but lately I’m okay with not being attached to Pablo palm to case. Sometimes I purposely leave my phone in another room so that I’m not even tempted to see what my faves are tweeting about or who had the perfect tiny portion of the perfect tiny dessert at the perfect [tiny] overpriced restaurant (but also, a lot of my posts are of martinis at Applebee’s & I could just be slightly envious of those other people). And I’ve become more aggravated at others who are constantly on their phones when with me. I haven’t 100% succeeded yet, but I’ve begun to make a concerted effort to not be distracted when I’m with company or when I’m out with people for a meal or a get together. I’m slowly realizing that the quality of time being spent with my loved ones has been significantly less in quality & more just sitting near each other while talking to others via data plans, and I’m not okay with that. Last Sunday, I told my brother to get off of his phone (while he was playing whatever the newest “____ Bird” game out there is, I’m sure) because I wanted to “connect.” Besides the fact that he was a little creeped out, he still had to finish his game first. I MEAN, WTH! CONNECT WITH ME, MAN!

There are of course positives like being able to call my 90 year old grandma in Bombay on her cute little Nokia phone, stay in touch with my amazing family in India and friends in other countries all the time via What’s App (until Facebook ruins it), being able to Google anything on the go like doctors’ info, nearby restaurants & gas stations, the option to use pharmacy apps to refill prescriptions immediately, etcetera (I’m still on the fence about Siri, though), but I’d like to know how my brother’s day was at work, what my sister taught my nephew that day, what my little sister ate for lunch (trust me, that one is always interesting) via conversation; not pictures, not texts, not Facebook posts (also, someone please stage a Solitaire intervention for my mom and an Indian radio app intervention for my dad). By the way, I typed this post on my laptop & only looked at Pablo twice with no social media checks in between!!! Ah, progress is such sweet sorrow.

Anyway, I’m going to go tweet & Facebook this post now so..text me, tweet me, if you wanna (maybe) reach me!

P.S. You can follow me here & here. 😉

P.P.S. Most importantly, seriously, PLEASE DON’T TEXT/TWEET/POKE/SNAP/BLOG & DRIVE. 

Today’s Interlude: The Kim Possible Theme Song

Photo credit: ashisaggarwal122.wordpress.com