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“The Attitude of Gratitude”: A Phrase I Hate, A Feeling I Appreciate

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piglet_gratitude Today’s Mood Ingredients: Contemplative, Introspective, Grateful. Hi! It’s been a while. Life suddenly leaped out at me & bit me in the rear. However, in the time that pretty much everything was happening all at once, I did realize a few things. I live a pretty good life. It’s not perfect by any means (& obviously no one’s lives are), it’s absurdly stressful, I’m ridiculously worried 20/7 (which is a spectacular upwards movement from 26/7, congrats to me), I want to do 9 million things with the time to do only 30, and I get frustrated that all of the above is occurring. I do, however, have working (albeit mildly arthritic-sadly, not a joke) legs, mobile arms (wing span situation notwithstanding), a functioning brain (up for debate), and a plenitude of opportunity (which I abashedly admit to not taking advantage of enough).

Ok, so don’t close this blog yet! I promise it’s not a preachy post on how we should all be thankful for what we have (even though we should) & how what we have in this life is enough (even though it is). This is a post about how I realized that the words “average” & “normal” have two different meanings and depths with respect to my life. I was always the person who would get incredibly annoyed when people would tell me to think of those less fortunate than me when I was having a bad day. I mean..I am aware that there are people who have no food & no water & no families, & no one feels for them more than me & my over-empathetic self does, but sometimes, I just wanted to wallow in my own misery. COULD I LIVE!? Over time though, I realized that as much as my most terrifying fear was to be “normal” or “average” in the achievement sense, I have never been more grateful to be “average” & “normal” in the life sense. I have an immediate family of 11 that loves me unconditionally & whom I love obsessively back. I have amazing friends who have seen me through some morose times and some euphoric times. I have my health, my family (even through everything as of late) has theirs, we have a roof over our heads, we have food on our tables, and although we are wanting in many other ways, the most important thing is that we have a support system that people would literally kill for (seriously, they’ve creepily told me so). So although I want my business to succeed more, my dreams to be fulfilled more, my worries to be calmed more..I’m truly grateful that on my way to hopefully being able to realize all of those things, I have the ability and the resources that allow me to excel..& all I have to put in is the work.

If you follow this blog, you’ve heard me say this plenty of times, & I’m clearly still going through some form of PTSD from it, but I will never ever be more grateful to whomever, wherever, whatever, that my parents are still with me. To have my greatest fear nearly realized within a short span of 7 months, & to have us all restored to an almost normal (for us, anyway) level is something that I will never be able to express enough thanks for. And for better or for worse, that heavy emotional trauma was the catalyst for me to realize that I have enough. In fact, I have a lot.  In fact, I have the most.  I know I said this wouldn’t be a preachy post, but honestly, I just wanted you to keep reading because if a self-admitted, everyone-proclaimed pessimistic wallower can find a way to revel in all that she has, you guys can do it eeeaaasily! The point is, sometimes, shit is gonna suck. A lot. And sometimes, things are going to be so amazing, you can’t imagine them getting any better..& then they do. But if you want to get through the roller coaster labrynth & come out unscathed on the other side, find ways to be appreciative of the things you have, and even of the things that you don’t. A new perspective never hurt anybody!

**For those who want some ideas on how to get the ball rolling, check out these two links below which have helped me become less of a negative person.

8 Things To Remember When Everything Is Going Wrong

100 Happy Days

Today’s Interlude: Grateful by John Bucchino performed by Stephen Carr

Thank You For Bein’ A Friend, Travelin’ Down The Road & Back Again: Long vs. Lost Friendships

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Nostalgic, Understanding, Reflective.

We all have friends (this is a relatively secure assumption). We’ve made them over different times in our lives, on numerous journeys, at various ages. But how many of you still have them all? I know I don’t. Friendship is a funny thing in general. I mean, how do groups of people find each other & forge a bond that’s strong enough that makes them want to spend time together over & over again? I find myself wondering that all the time when I see people on the train or at restaurants or elsewhere; how did you all meet, where did you find each other, how did you connect? (Yes, I realize this makes me sound like a creeper, but I’m owning it, people.) Nevertheless, it happens & you go through life with these people who you’re connected to and when you’re young, you’re all BFFLS & BFFAES and when you’re in high school, you’re all about the cool kids & who’s wearing what to the pep rally if not a cheerleader uniform (btw, none of those were me because I was a bony little nerd, a fact I have finally accepted later in life). College comes around and you find like minded individuals with similar interests and passions (read: freedom & drinking, meant: poetry, dance, film, science). Real life finds you meeting people who are settling down, accepting responsibility, becoming “grown ups.” Now look back on all of those times in your life; how many of those BFFs are still around? 

If you’re like me, you have numerous & varied circles of friends. If you’re like me, you also have had incidences & circumstances which rendered much change in those groups & relationships. I can honestly say I vividly remember & still keep in touch with many of my friends from elementary school through college (thanks, Mark Zuckerberg!). Are we close? No. But our lives are interwoven with fond memories of becoming adults, and now, social media milestones that still allow a thread of a connection both to each other & to our common pasts. 

Unfortunately, time plays its part as do the growth and change of personalities & the people who have them. There are so many friends that cross my mind on a regular basis who I don’t think I’ve spoken to in months, & in some cases, years. So many of the girls from my college dance troupe who have witnessed many of my most catalytic moments, I don’t talk to much anymore, & this is after forming a close bond over 4-5 years of all night practices, 5 hour lunches, open bars, parties, performances, travel, tears, fears, laughter, girl talk, boy talk, & sleepovers. I admire them still & stalk lives via social media, but it’s a tentative connection, albeit based on true love for them. I can still say, however, when it so happens that we do meet, that core of friendship picks up quite quickly, & we will always be bound (in a non-criminal way) by the matching tattoo that 10 of us have depicting the passion that brought us together; dance. Medical school was a whole other story. We all became “family” very quickly (admittedly, due to me trying to make the best of an intimidating situation for all of us) and when you’re stuck on a tiny little island for 16 months (or more), studying instead of going to lay by the crystal clear turquoise waters that are right below your balcony, you become realllly close reallllly fast and things can get pretty dramatic pretty fast too. But what happens when you are back to reality (oops, there goes gravity..jk) and seeing your old pre-island friends and trying to readjust to non-island life? Some things can fall apart, and some things stay glued together. In my case, I was lucky to be able to hold on to some very true & real friendships with people who, although I’ve only really known for 7 years at this point, are some of the closest confidantes I have. They may not all be very good friends with each other, but they are very good friends to me, and that is probably the one thing I came away with from Caribbean Med that I treasure the most. Unfortunately, there are also some people who I was unable to stay connected to & although that gives me little pangs now & again, there is clarity in hindsight, and the reason for the disconnect was always valid.

At the end of the day, all of those little clichés about people coming in & out of your life whether for you to change them in some way or for them to change you (for better or worse) ring loud, ring clear, & ring true. I’ve had friends who have made me less trusting, friends who have made me more hopeful, friends who have made me more perceptive, friends who have made me more suspicious, friends who have made me brighter, and friends who have dulled my luster. But for a brief moment in the timeline of our lives, we intersected, we connected, and we loved; and sometimes, that’s just plain good enough.

To all of my own lost connections, be they by chance, choice, or circumstance, know that I think of you often. When a certain song comes on or when I smell something familiar or especially when I’m pondering on the past (which I do more often than I’d prefer), I wonder what you all are up to and hope that you are happy & well. There will forever be people and places that will own a sliver of your memory and a part of your heart. And to borrow from John, George, Paul, & Ringo, all these places had their moments, with lovers & friends I still can recall. In my life, I loved them all. 

Today’s Interlude: “In My Life,” The Beatles

The Boomerang Generation: Breakin’ Up Is Hard To Do

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Thankful, Idol Worship-y, Ageless, Connected, Terrified.

Most of us grew up with a similar dream. Get through K-12, go to college, graduate, move out, be independent, make money, live life. At 17, all you are looking forward to is the freedom-filled lifestyle of living on your own, away from (so thought at the time) nagging parents, going out, meeting new people, etc. At 17, you don’t think you’ll ever be back at your parents’ house when you’re an “adult.” At 17, you’re naive and doe-eyed, frolicking about in your happy little daydream. But it happens. From 18-22, you do exactly what you dreamed of. Most of us get jobs or go to grad school and still continue that dream. And then something else happens; you’re laid off, the market is down, you’re in loan debt, someone needs help, and the next thing you know, you’re 30 years old and sleeping in your childhood bedroom with your parents right next door.

I’ve clearly made things sound awful, but that’s not my intention. Please read on. The Boomerang Generation, as it has now been coined, is defined as:

“[…] the current generation of young adults in Western culture. They are so named for the frequency with which they choose to cohabitate with their parents after a brief period of living on their own – thus boomeranging back to their place of origin. This cohabitation can take many forms, ranging from situations that mirror the high dependency of pre-adulthood to highly independent, separate-household arrangements.” according to Wikipedia (I know, I know, but in this case, it’s on point).

I’ll be the first one to say I’m 100% part of that generation. I went to college in New York City, but stayed on campus. I then moved to Bombay for a year & some-odd months to equal parts escape a traumatic situation and delve into some long-held dreams. I came home for 2 months & then moved to the Caribbean for medical school. I’ve lived in 2 countries, went to a professional school, gotten a job, started my own company, been as independent as can be..only to come right back to the house I’ve lived in since I was 5. Many people come home as a result of necessity, financial or otherwise. I came home for comfort as well. The same irritation I had with my parents at 17 is the same acceptance I have with them at 32. To give them their due, they’ve also had to grow and change between my brother & myself discovering alcohol, quitting our respective professional schools, relationship woes, etc. (this also means they’re less annoying & more understanding now..or maybe we are, who knows). We all accept each other as adults and honestly, my parents are 2 of my closest friends, & pretty freaking interesting, intelligent, and diverse people. I talk choreography with my mom, toss back a few brews with my dad (sorry, trying to appeal to the XYs here too) and we just plain hang out like homies on a brownstone stoop waxing poetic about the good old days and dreaming of the new old days. Obviously we all get on each others’ nerves from time to time and no matter how old we are or how experienced they are, a parent is a parent is a parent and my dad still tells me to “Stop drinking sodas and all of this junk, you’ll get kidney stones” and “Look for a good guy” and my mom still tells me to “live a routine life” and “Can you please not go out on Friday nights because then I have trouble on Saturday mornings after staying awake until you get home.” These are peppered in between the “You will be successful, I know you will-s” & the “You can do everything you want to do, we will help you and make sure of it-s.”

Recently, I almost lost both of them in the span of 4 months & it has been the toughest experience of my life. Being forced to face my most terrifying fear with no control over any aspect of the situations or circumstances is not the way I had wished to spend Christmas & the new year. But over the time I spent in the hospitals and doctors’ offices and being Florence Nightingale, I learned that despite all of my gilded dreams and wanderlusting fantasies, I was never more thankful that I was at home with them. That I could, in whatever absolute miniscule way, try to repay them for their years of selflessness, confidence, education, tolerance, acceptance, guidance, never-ending love, and a limitless list of other adjectives.

The point is, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re one of my boomerang brethren. These are the people who love you unconditionally and raised you to the best of their abilities and for many of us who are 1st generation Americans, probably also sacrificed incredible amounts to give you the life you enjoy (whether it doesn’t always feel that way or not) today. They’re not going to be the ones who shame you or guilt you when you need to come home; after all, wasn’t it them who incessantly lamented about the whole “empty nest” thing anyway!? The stigma that used to befall those adults who still lived at home (“OH, YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR MOM!?”) is not as prevalent today, and I, for one, am glad for it. The only thing I’m worried about now is if, & when, my parents try to break up with me: “It’s not you, it’s us.” 😦

Basically, there’s no place like home, and OH, BTW, BRADLEY COOPER STILL LIVES WITH HIS MOM TOO so I think we’re all gonna be just fine.

Today’s Interlude: Taylor Swift, “Never Grow Up”