“Sometimes I wish I had learned everything earlier and that my real life could have started sooner. Other times, I’m glad that the first part of my life lasted as long as it did. It doesn’t really matter, though. None of it could have been any different.
As for fate – or not-fate – I’m still not sure about it, but it’s not something that keeps me up at night. I’ve lived it, and the people who still wonder about that kind of thing can call it whatever they want.”
Today’s Mood Ingredients: Contemplative, Introspective, Grateful. Hi! It’s been a while. Life suddenly leaped out at me & bit me in the rear. However, in the time that pretty much everything was happening all at once, I did realize a few things. I live a pretty good life. It’s not perfect by any means (& obviously no one’s lives are), it’s absurdly stressful, I’m ridiculously worried 20/7 (which is a spectacular upwards movement from 26/7, congrats to me), I want to do 9 million things with the time to do only 30, and I get frustrated that all of the above is occurring. I do, however, have working (albeit mildly arthritic-sadly, not a joke) legs, mobile arms (wing span situation notwithstanding), a functioning brain (up for debate), and a plenitude of opportunity (which I abashedly admit to not taking advantage of enough).
Ok, so don’t close this blog yet! I promise it’s not a preachy post on how we should all be thankful for what we have (even though we should) & how what we have in this life is enough (even though it is). This is a post about how I realized that the words “average” & “normal” have two different meanings and depths with respect to my life. I was always the person who would get incredibly annoyed when people would tell me to think of those less fortunate than me when I was having a bad day. I mean..I am aware that there are people who have no food & no water & no families, & no one feels for them more than me & my over-empathetic self does, but sometimes, I just wanted to wallow in my own misery. COULD I LIVE!? Over time though, I realized that as much as my most terrifying fear was to be “normal” or “average” in the achievement sense, I have never been more grateful to be “average” & “normal” in the life sense. I have an immediate family of 11 that loves me unconditionally & whom I love obsessively back. I have amazing friends who have seen me through some morose times and some euphoric times. I have my health, my family (even through everything as of late) has theirs, we have a roof over our heads, we have food on our tables, and although we are wanting in many other ways, the most important thing is that we have a support system that people would literally kill for (seriously, they’ve creepily told me so). So although I want my business to succeed more, my dreams to be fulfilled more, my worries to be calmed more..I’m truly grateful that on my way to hopefully being able to realize all of those things, I have the ability and the resources that allow me to excel..& all I have to put in is the work.
If you follow this blog, you’ve heard me say this plenty of times, & I’m clearly still going through some form of PTSD from it, but I will never ever be more grateful to whomever, wherever, whatever, that my parents are still with me. To have my greatest fear nearly realized within a short span of 7 months, & to have us all restored to an almost normal (for us, anyway) level is something that I will never be able to express enough thanks for. And for better or for worse, that heavy emotional trauma was the catalyst for me to realize that I have enough. In fact, I have a lot. In fact, I have the most. I know I said this wouldn’t be a preachy post, but honestly, I just wanted you to keep reading because if a self-admitted, everyone-proclaimed pessimistic wallower can find a way to revel in all that she has, you guys can do it eeeaaasily! The point is, sometimes, shit is gonna suck. A lot. And sometimes, things are going to be so amazing, you can’t imagine them getting any better..& then they do. But if you want to get through the roller coaster labrynth & come out unscathed on the other side, find ways to be appreciative of the things you have, and even of the things that you don’t. A new perspective never hurt anybody!
**For those who want some ideas on how to get the ball rolling, check out these two links below which have helped me become less of a negative person.
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband & a happy home & children, & another fig was a famous poet & another fig was a brilliant professor, & another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, & another fig was Europe & Africa & South America, & another fig was Constantin & Socrates & Attila & a pack of other lovers with queer names & offbeat professions, & another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, & beyond & above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each & every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle & go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
We all have friends (this is a relatively secure assumption). We’ve made them over different times in our lives, on numerous journeys, at various ages. But how many of you still have them all? I know I don’t. Friendship is a funny thing in general. I mean, how do groups of people find each other & forge a bond that’s strong enough that makes them want to spend time together over & over again? I find myself wondering that all the time when I see people on the train or at restaurants or elsewhere; how did you all meet, where did you find each other, how did you connect? (Yes, I realize this makes me sound like a creeper, but I’m owning it, people.) Nevertheless, it happens & you go through life with these people who you’re connected to and when you’re young, you’re all BFFLS & BFFAES and when you’re in high school, you’re all about the cool kids & who’s wearing what to the pep rally if not a cheerleader uniform (btw, none of those were me because I was a bony little nerd, a fact I have finally accepted later in life). College comes around and you find like minded individuals with similar interests and passions (read: freedom & drinking, meant: poetry, dance, film, science). Real life finds you meeting people who are settling down, accepting responsibility, becoming “grown ups.” Now look back on all of those times in your life; how many of those BFFs are still around?
If you’re like me, you have numerous & varied circles of friends. If you’re like me, you also have had incidences & circumstances which rendered much change in those groups & relationships. I can honestly say I vividly remember & still keep in touch with many of my friends from elementary school through college (thanks, Mark Zuckerberg!). Are we close? No. But our lives are interwoven with fond memories of becoming adults, and now, social media milestones that still allow a thread of a connection both to each other & to our common pasts.
Unfortunately, time plays its part as do the growth and change of personalities & the people who have them. There are so many friends that cross my mind on a regular basis who I don’t think I’ve spoken to in months, & in some cases, years. So many of the girls from my college dance troupe who have witnessed many of my most catalytic moments, I don’t talk to much anymore, & this is after forming a close bond over 4-5 years of all night practices, 5 hour lunches, open bars, parties, performances, travel, tears, fears, laughter, girl talk, boy talk, & sleepovers. I admire them still & stalk lives via social media, but it’s a tentative connection, albeit based on true love for them. I can still say, however, when it so happens that we do meet, that core of friendship picks up quite quickly, & we will always be bound (in a non-criminal way) by the matching tattoo that 10 of us have depicting the passion that brought us together; dance. Medical school was a whole other story. We all became “family” very quickly (admittedly, due to me trying to make the best of an intimidating situation for all of us) and when you’re stuck on a tiny little island for 16 months (or more), studying instead of going to lay by the crystal clear turquoise waters that are right below your balcony, you become realllly close reallllly fast and things can get pretty dramatic pretty fast too. But what happens when you are back to reality (oops, there goes gravity..jk) and seeing your old pre-island friends and trying to readjust to non-island life? Some things can fall apart, and some things stay glued together. In my case, I was lucky to be able to hold on to some very true & real friendships with people who, although I’ve only really known for 7 years at this point, are some of the closest confidantes I have. They may not all be very good friends with each other, but they are very good friends to me, and that is probably the one thing I came away with from Caribbean Med that I treasure the most. Unfortunately, there are also some people who I was unable to stay connected to & although that gives me little pangs now & again, there is clarity in hindsight, and the reason for the disconnect was always valid.
At the end of the day, all of those little clichés about people coming in & out of your life whether for you to change them in some way or for them to change you (for better or worse) ring loud, ring clear, & ring true. I’ve had friends who have made me less trusting, friends who have made me more hopeful, friends who have made me more perceptive, friends who have made me more suspicious, friends who have made me brighter, and friends who have dulled my luster. But for a brief moment in the timeline of our lives, we intersected, we connected, and we loved; and sometimes, that’s just plain good enough.
To all of my own lost connections, be they by chance, choice, or circumstance, know that I think of you often. When a certain song comes on or when I smell something familiar or especially when I’m pondering on the past (which I do more often than I’d prefer), I wonder what you all are up to and hope that you are happy & well. There will forever be people and places that will own a sliver of your memory and a part of your heart. And to borrow from John, George, Paul, & Ringo, all these places had their moments, with lovers & friends I still can recall. In my life, I loved them all.
If there’s anything that Sex & The City has taught us single 30-somethings in NYC, or any city for that matter, it’s that whether or not you’re anywhere near finding your Mr. (or Mrs.) Big, the dating scene will provide you with much fodder to talk about over brunch with the girls. The constant he-said/she-saids, the will they/won’t theys, the should I/shouldn’t I-s often turn Sunday afternoon mimosas into Monday morning hangovers.
Most days I feel like a combination of Taylor Swift, a Disney princess, & Daria. None of the looks, some of the grace, all of the snark..in one messily wrapped romantic present; using both meanings of that last word. Other days, I feel like an old lady who’s running out of time. All of the above are valid. As a 32 year old person who has been single for the past 7 years, you’d think I’d be missing being in a relationship. The truth is, I’m more content than I have been in a long time. That’s not some bitter-but-Beyoncé-esque-independent-woman sentiment either. At this point in my life, I just feel like I would like to concentrate on myself; my career (big change from medical school to fashion designer), my family (whom I have neglected in the past when consumed in a relationship), my nephew (who is my lifetime Valentine), and just my own overall well-being. Now, if I were 18-23 years old and saying this, everyone would be lauding me on my thought process & how I’m “so mature, that’s a great way to find yourself and see what you want out of life!” but at 32, the same people are literally distressed for me; “Oh wow, don’t you want to have children? Aren’t you worried you’ll be alone & seek companionship when it’s too late? Time is running out! Let me set you up, I know this friend who knows a friend!” No. Sorry. I do not want to meet some random human that you know through your boss’ secretary’s dog’s groomer. Time is not running out. I’m 32! Hopefully I’m not about to disappear tomorrow; I survived the End of the World in 2012 after all! Yes, children are important to me. I want little mini-me creatures running amok in the world causing hilarity and absurdity in the lives of the population more than anything else in the world, but there are options. We don’t live in the age where single parenthood, freezing eggs, surrogacy, etc. are not available to us. Not to say that I want any of those things, but though I do want to be happily married someday, I don’t think a husband is the be-all & end-all of my world. For those who know me, you know my favorite woman of all time besides my mother, grandmother, & godmother, is Mindy Kaling. And you know what, unsurprisingly enough, she said it best:
“I would love to be married. But it’s not a necessity like the way that I feel I need & want to have children. It would be wonderful to have a husband, & I would feel blessed to do it. But I would feel sad for the rest of my life if I had no kids.”
Plus, between trying an online site & finding a couple of nice guys who weren’t quite my type & some who were more arrogant than Charlie Sheen on a tiger blood rant, and making myself “more available & approachable” by going out to various events (aside from the bar scene, FYI) and nearly being mauled by someone else’s face on mine with the witty inebriated pickup line of “Whatever, can I just kiss you now!?,” the dating scene isn’t all that savory right now in my experience. Flirting has turned into what I like to call “dirting;” the new wham bam thank you ma’am of the current supposedly adult-ish generation, but without even the facade of genuine interest.
There are plenty of think pieces, blog posts, hell, whole books dedicated to “the single 30-something,” & most often, they are directed towards the single 30-something woman. I tried a Google image search using “single 30-something women” to find a picture for this post & except for pictures of SJP, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, & Kristin Thomas, all I saw were pictures of sad lonely women, a headline of Kim Kardashian saying “I Thought I’d Be Married By Now,” & a book titled something like 30-Something, Why Am I Still Single? I relate to NONE of the above. And this isn’t some feminist rant, but come on! All of my friends are working, traveling, creating..living..single or otherwise. They aren’t sitting & wallowing in their singledom, they’re enjoying it, & some want to keep it that way forever while the others are dating or content in the belief that “it’ll happen when it happens.”
Basically all I have to say to those who keep asking me when it’s going to be my turn, today on Valentine’s Day, and every other day is this:
Bitch, don’t kill my vibe.
Today’s Interlude: Michael Bublé, “Haven’t Met You Yet”
champagne & cookiedough 