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“The Attitude of Gratitude”: A Phrase I Hate, A Feeling I Appreciate

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piglet_gratitude Today’s Mood Ingredients: Contemplative, Introspective, Grateful. Hi! It’s been a while. Life suddenly leaped out at me & bit me in the rear. However, in the time that pretty much everything was happening all at once, I did realize a few things. I live a pretty good life. It’s not perfect by any means (& obviously no one’s lives are), it’s absurdly stressful, I’m ridiculously worried 20/7 (which is a spectacular upwards movement from 26/7, congrats to me), I want to do 9 million things with the time to do only 30, and I get frustrated that all of the above is occurring. I do, however, have working (albeit mildly arthritic-sadly, not a joke) legs, mobile arms (wing span situation notwithstanding), a functioning brain (up for debate), and a plenitude of opportunity (which I abashedly admit to not taking advantage of enough).

Ok, so don’t close this blog yet! I promise it’s not a preachy post on how we should all be thankful for what we have (even though we should) & how what we have in this life is enough (even though it is). This is a post about how I realized that the words “average” & “normal” have two different meanings and depths with respect to my life. I was always the person who would get incredibly annoyed when people would tell me to think of those less fortunate than me when I was having a bad day. I mean..I am aware that there are people who have no food & no water & no families, & no one feels for them more than me & my over-empathetic self does, but sometimes, I just wanted to wallow in my own misery. COULD I LIVE!? Over time though, I realized that as much as my most terrifying fear was to be “normal” or “average” in the achievement sense, I have never been more grateful to be “average” & “normal” in the life sense. I have an immediate family of 11 that loves me unconditionally & whom I love obsessively back. I have amazing friends who have seen me through some morose times and some euphoric times. I have my health, my family (even through everything as of late) has theirs, we have a roof over our heads, we have food on our tables, and although we are wanting in many other ways, the most important thing is that we have a support system that people would literally kill for (seriously, they’ve creepily told me so). So although I want my business to succeed more, my dreams to be fulfilled more, my worries to be calmed more..I’m truly grateful that on my way to hopefully being able to realize all of those things, I have the ability and the resources that allow me to excel..& all I have to put in is the work.

If you follow this blog, you’ve heard me say this plenty of times, & I’m clearly still going through some form of PTSD from it, but I will never ever be more grateful to whomever, wherever, whatever, that my parents are still with me. To have my greatest fear nearly realized within a short span of 7 months, & to have us all restored to an almost normal (for us, anyway) level is something that I will never be able to express enough thanks for. And for better or for worse, that heavy emotional trauma was the catalyst for me to realize that I have enough. In fact, I have a lot.  In fact, I have the most.  I know I said this wouldn’t be a preachy post, but honestly, I just wanted you to keep reading because if a self-admitted, everyone-proclaimed pessimistic wallower can find a way to revel in all that she has, you guys can do it eeeaaasily! The point is, sometimes, shit is gonna suck. A lot. And sometimes, things are going to be so amazing, you can’t imagine them getting any better..& then they do. But if you want to get through the roller coaster labrynth & come out unscathed on the other side, find ways to be appreciative of the things you have, and even of the things that you don’t. A new perspective never hurt anybody!

**For those who want some ideas on how to get the ball rolling, check out these two links below which have helped me become less of a negative person.

8 Things To Remember When Everything Is Going Wrong

100 Happy Days

Today’s Interlude: Grateful by John Bucchino performed by Stephen Carr

Today’s Feelings..

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Today’s feelings..

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“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband & a happy home & children, & another fig was a famous poet & another fig was a brilliant professor, & another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, & another fig was Europe & Africa & South America, & another fig was Constantin & Socrates & Attila & a pack of other lovers with queer names & offbeat professions, & another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, & beyond & above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each & every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle & go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” 

-Sylvia Plath-

JUST DANCE, GONNA BE OK, DA DA DOO DOO; THE SIMPLEST SOLUTION TO STRESS

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ARTS: JUST DANCE, GONNA BE OK, DA DA DOO DOO; THE SIMPLEST SOLUTION TO STRESS

Today’s Mood Ingredients: Euphoric, Free, Alive.

Stress. Overwhelming stress. It’s very rare that people today don’t have it. It varies in levels depending on a number of factors; career, family, emotions, personality, lifestyle, income, desires, etcetera, but it’s there. Silently waiting to attack when you least expect it, rendering you manic or crazed or depressed or angry. Let’s say you can’t quit your job to own a farm in California or live a spa life in Arizona. You can’t quit your family, you can’t shirk your responsibilities, you can’t overcome your sporadic but prevalent emotional tsunamis. So, what do you do? Release it. For me, the greatest and truest inanimate, intangible passion of my life is dance. Any form. Drunken, choreographed, impromptu, rehearsed, performed, jumping & booty-bumping with my 2.5 year old nephew, ballroom dancing with the puppy. ANY. If it was possible to bottle the feeling that radiates within and out of me when I’m dancing, I would be in direct competition with the Onassis family as wealthiest around. However, I cherish the fact that the feeling is so inexpressible for me because I get to have a sense of public privacy.

The audience sees a performer on stage expressing lyrics and movements to given music, but much of the time, the performer is in a whole different secret world. I have literally been brought to tears or euphoria on stage depending on the day of performance, & the people, who I don’t even register in my consciousness, applaud. They applaud for a technical performance that hopefully connected with them in some way. What they don’t realize is that the emotion that’s coming off in waves from the stage to the audience at such a high frequency is the tumultuous collage of my innermost fears, happinesses, struggles, tears, accomplishments, sadness, & stress being released. They are privy to something they don’t even know of, & for a hyper-private person like me, it’s my way of “talking about my feelings.” Dancing has saved me from a lot in life. It has protected me from a lot in life. It has given me a lot in life. It is the only outlet that still serves to shatter my anxiety, my founded & unfounded worries, & my fears. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is by using my favorite quote, also tattooed on my ankle: “In life, as in dance; grace glides on blistered feet.” When I’m dancing, I’m at my most euphoric. When I’m dancing, I’m at my most tranquil. When I’m dancing, I’m at my most giving. It’s a blind & frozen moment in time where everything is nothing and nothing is everything & I’m spinning along with the world in harmony.

Everyone deserves this. You deserve to feel this way about something in your life, if not necessarily dance. When things are piling up & suffocating you under their deadweight, find your own outlet. You don’t have to be good at it. Contrary to popular & incorrect belief, NO ONE CARES.

“Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storms.”-Charles Caleb Colton

Is splattering paint across a canvas therapeutic? Do it. Listening to music? Blast it. Playing sports (not my forte!)? Kick it, pitch it, run it. Writing? Scribble it. No one is expected to be the next DaVinci, Stevie Wonder, Jackie Robinson, Ernest Hemingway, but you are expected to somehow be able to enjoy this life without needing an industrial-strength antacid twice a day. I’m lucky that I found my meditation at the age of 3, but “too late” is a phrase I’m just starting to eke out of my vernacular, & I suggest you do the same for “life is short, but sweet for certain.”

Today’s Interlude: “Dance Dance Dance” by Lykke Li

         

What is Art? Is art art? Are we art?: Lisa Turtle’s Dilemma & Its Relation To 5 Pointz & Self-Expression

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Arts & Culture: What is Art? Is art art? Are we art?: Lisa Turtle’s Dilemma & Its Relation To 5 Pointz & Self-Expression

Today’s Mood Ingredients: Inspired, Sad, Artistic, Logical.

If you’re not a New Yorker or you’re not an artist, there is a chance you may not have heard of iconic 5 Pointz, an outdoor art exhibit space on a 20,000 square foot factory building in Long Island City. Aerosol artists from New York’s five boroughs & all over the world came to 5 Pointz to graffiti (in the non-negative sense of the word) all over the space, attracting the likes of boldfaced stars like Doug E. Fresh, Mos Def, & Joan Jett as well. 5 Pointz became a haven for those artists whose medium was aerosol spray cans, and let’s be honest, not quite the most respected of the lot. They would flock to the factory building to express, impress, inspire, collaborate, and experiment, all the while creating incredible colorful displays of, what I presume to be, their thoughts. Unfortunately, as of November 2013, 5 Pointz is no longer in existence. As the curator of the space petitioned to have 5 Pointz become a museum & save it from demolition, the owners of the building had the space whitewashed overnight with the security of police protection. Here comes the question. What was the point in the whitewashing? If the building was to be demolished anyway, why add insult to injury & just go and basically delete the years of expression and artistry and hard work that went into the pieces on those walls? Understandably, the owners of the building had/have the right to do whatever they want with the space, it’s theirs. What I don’t understand is this; for years, this space was a place for community and expression. For years, it thrived as a place for this specific type of artist to come & not be arrested for using aerosol to create. Why the sudden urge for condominiums (and in an already saturated Long Island City)? It is obviously illegal to “tag” up a public place & you can and will be arrested for graffiti’ing pretty much everywhere, which I agree with. Sorry, but I don’t want to see your big orange bubble letters on a public library wall. However, I can appreciate artistry with the best of them & do believe that those individuals who excel in this form of art should have a place where they are free from the fear of glowing blue & red lights and silver (definitely not a cute accessory) cuffs. The need for people to put their feelings into something solid and tangible is valid. The need for a businessperson to want to make more money is valid. I refuse to believe that some sort of agreement or middle ground couldn’t have been reached in this case.

All of that rhetoric aside, I’d like to ask a question of you. What is self-expression exactly? An outlet that allows an individual to feel free, to be themselves, to be unique, maybe to release stress or anger or sadness? That’s what it is to me, anyway, and I couldn’t survive without it. I don’t know what I’d do if someone suddenly erased all records of my dance performances or told me that I can no longer use a particular space to dance in that I had been connected to and performing in for years. In my opinion, self-expression is a necessity for society. To be able to not only make yourselves feel, but to inspire and to make others feel something, anything, with something you have created with the fruits of your labor is an irreplaceable, inherently good thing. To many, it may be intangible. To many, it may be too philosophical. But to many, it is innate and it is important.

Art to one person, whether it be performance or creative or visual, may be trash to another, but who is the decision maker as to what should be revered and what should be disregarded? My heart goes out to you, artists of 5 Pointz & all other such artists out there. The wonderful part about expressing yourself through your art is that you always have your tools within you. That’s something no one can steal from you & I suppose there is at least a little solace in that. I hope you find somewhere else accepting of your immense talents and understanding of your visions, because, Ansel Adams said it best:

“No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit.” 

More information about 5 Pointz here, and more articles about the demolition here.

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(Header photo credit: http://www.inhabitant.com; Footer photo credit: @WNYC on Twitter)

Today’s Interlude: The Living End, “Prisoner of Society”

 

Solo Sojourns: The Legacy of the “Me Trip”

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Today’s Mood Ingredients: Nomadic, Adventurous, Introspective, Light, Free.

One of the greatest things I’ve ever done to facilitate my own independence and feed my desire to connect with as many kindred and non-kindred spirits as possible was to start taking “Me Trips” back when I started college. I know you’re waiting with bated breath for me to explain (because the name isn’t self-explanatory at all), so here we go. When I was a freshman, many of my closest friends were at different schools, so our spring breaks never coincided. I’m one of those rarities on the planet that has never been to Cancun for spring break. I never had a wild week of unadulterated all-inclusive fun; at least not in college. When faced with the option of sitting at home for a week doing nothing but morosely imagining the others on the beach (pre-Facebook photo days, you guys aka TORTURE), I decided to just up & leave and go on a trip by myself. It was nothing spectacular the first time (Virginia and Washington, DC), but the whole idea of leaving for a different city by myself with no concrete itinerary was so enthralling, even the mall seemed spectacular because it was in another city. Now, back in the day, before I went delinquent for a while, my parents were hyper-paranoid and I was an angel child. Trying to convince them that I was going to drive to Virginia from New York alone, stay in a hotel alone, and hopefully return (alone) was one of the most difficult processes that no human being should ever have to go through. But, I’m a Scorpio and I’m stubborn and I’m determined and I guess I was convincing (“Mom! You always say you want me to be independent! How will I do so in the house all break while you feed me!? I have to experience life.” Yeah, whatever, you were all that preachy at 17 too!). So, I packed a bag with clothes, money, the brick of a cell phone I had just gotten in January of 2000 “for emergencies only,” & some books, and bounded out the door.

I remember being extremely excited that I was going on a trip by myself and I would meet so many new people and see so many new things and learn so much more about myself that the first thing I did was get lost on the way. It’s a straight road from NYC to VA/DC, but I get lost if I come out of a different subway exit, so this was par for the course for me. With no navigation system & NO WAY IN HELL being the basic idea behind calling my dad for directions, my “spring break” started off by gas station hopping (party animal) to find out exactly how I could get to my destination. When I got to my little Holiday Inn room, I was thrilled (this was pre-anxiety that a serial killer would strangle me Lifetime movie style days). I looked around, called my parents to tell them that I still had all limbs intact and I was only late in arriving because of traffic, not due to being directionally impaired, and..bounded out the door.

The 5 days I spent in Virginia & DC are still some of my most fondly remembered ones. I went to the Smithsonian, National Air & Space Museum, The White House, Washington Monument, Lincoln & Jefferson Memorials, Arlington Cemetery, & of course, the Arlington Mall (as in shopping, not historical). I meandered along the large exhibits and really took the time to understand the things that I actually liked in life. I found that my childhood predilection for museums and history was still raring to go as long as I didn’t have a 40 question exam or 2,000 word essay relying on it afterwards. I experienced the DC nightlife, unknowingly ended up at an awesome lesbian nightclub (“Come to the firehouse party tomorrow night, I’ll take you as my date!”) which I didn’t know at the time was a lesbian nightclub, I just thought it was “ladies’ night” and people in DC were much nicer than in New York (see why I needed the “independence”!?), made a new friend at a hip hop bar who I was in touch with for a couple of years afterwards, went back to the hotel happy and renewed and ready to go home..and bounded out the door.

After that first experience, I was hooked. “Me Trips” became my sanity and I vowed to take one at least once a year. I went to the Bahamas with no plans and ended up going to fire-breathing show, kayaking for the first time by myself (resulting in spaghetti arms), & meeting a girl and her mom from the next town over from me on Long Island. We met on a Bahamian snorkeling/booze cruise on which I ended up as “Limbo Queen” and won a bottle of long gone rum. From there, I took a flight to Miami, rented a red convertible to fulfill my long-harbored dream of being whatever people in red convertibles at the time were, had a beautiful dinner of pasta and wine on Lincoln Road alone while reading a paperback which I then left in the back of a cab I took to go to Mansion, a nightclub there. I encountered a bachelorette party of girls with whom I ended up having mutual connections, stayed at one of their apartments, & headed to Orlando on the Amtrak the next day. Most people call me a nutjob, but I have been to Miami’s Holocaust Museum alone, I’ve truly and thoroughly enjoyed The Magic Kingdom alone, I’ve gone to a club in Orlando and met  a couple who ended up inviting me to their wedding later that year, and I still go to dinner and movies and short road trips alone when I can’t manage the time for a full Me Trip. The experiences I’ve had on all of those journeys are absolutely incomparable and unique and considering I remember so many details, and more importantly, feelings, from these trips, it is clear that they have in some way shaped me as well. I just remember feeling new. That’s the best way I can put it. Intrigued, revived, alive, enthusiastic..and ever ready to bound out the door.

My family has gotten used to it even if they don’t understand it because it was and IS the greatest feeling in the world to take some time for yourself away from your familiar surroundings and the regular hubbub of daily life and just connect with yourself as a human being. Your likes, dislikes, experiences can all be influenced by those around you so once in a while, why not take off and see what it is that really resonates with you? I credit my Me Trips with much of the hyper self-awareness that I have today. I can honestly say that I know exactly what makes an impact with me, exactly what I like and don’t like and why, what my flaws are, what my assets are, what has shaped me and how, and what I want for myself from this point forward. To be attuned to yourself is a fabulous thing because I don’t second guess my decisions as much as I used to, and that is a fantastic feeling. I feel rejuvenated when I am away and have a clarity of thought that is difficult to produce when you’re surrounded by so many pressures and stressors and responsibilities. Alone doesn’t equal lonely and I strongly urge everyone to find the time to take a Me Trip and really understand what makes you, you.

I hope you’re bounding out the door.

Today’s Interlude: I 9, “Same In Any Language”

(Pictures Below – sadly none of Virginia/DC..pre-digicam days!: 1. Red convertible stunting in Miami, 2. Nicole, a girl I met in the Bahamas with her mom, & myself at Señor Frog’s, 3. Random bachelorette party at Mansion, Miami, 4. Limbo Queen on a Bahamian booze cruise, 5. New friends in the Bahamas at the Breezes resort where I was not staying, 6. Front & center at Cinderella’s house, 7. Knights of Fire show in the Bahamas, 8. Nicole’s mom, Nicole, the bouncer, & me at Señor Frog’s, 9. Bride-to-be Monique & her BFF at an Orlando lounge, 10. New friends in Miami, 11. New friends in Orlando, 12. New friend Rahul & I at B.E.D. in Miami, 13. Holocaust Museum in Miami, 14. Wedding party friends at Breezes in the Bahamas, 15. My 1st time snorkeling, 16. A new Orlando police officer friend, 17. Nicole & I on the Bahamian booze cruise, 18. Kayaking for the 1st time)

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The iGeneration: Text Me, Tweet Me, If You Wanna (Maybe) Reach Me

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ImageCulture: The iGeneration: Text Me, Tweet Me, If You Wanna (Maybe) Reach Me

Today’s Mood Ingredients: Mobile, Multitasking, Connected, Disconnected.

This post isn’t about anything novel and it isn’t written as well as the thousands of other posts about it, but I like having an opinion on most things, so here you go. I’m one of those individuals that is lucky enough to have been part of two eras of technology; the one where I used a pencil to wind an audio &/or video cassette, blew on Nintendo games to make them work, had a Walkman, had to just wait it out if someone wasn’t someplace at some time, and had dial-up America Online (“10,000 FREE HOURS!”) with a parentally mandated 1 hour of internet a day and the current “iGeneration” era where you Snapchat a photo of yourself to put on Instagram to simultaneously share on Facebook & Twitter while making sure none of it ever gets on your LinkedIn page and never having to get off of your iPhone to do any of it.

I’m on my phone pretty much most of the day. I watch TV on it, I pay bills on it, I check statements on it, I take pictures on it, I converse with people on it, I use both personal & company social media on it; hell, it even has a name (Pablo, btw). Strangely enough, I rarely take calls on it though. I don’t even use my laptop for weeks at a time, because it doesn’t fit in my pocket. I sometimes literally feel an urge to tweet something just for the sake of not having done so in a few hours. But alright, let’s say for the sake of being devil’s advocate (and using it as a fabulous excuse), that social media is a networking tool & I need it for my fashion brand, and in order to bring awareness to my fashion brand, I also have to utilize my personal network (this is great, I just convinced myself in that one sentence that I should be on all of my social networks at all times, I need an intervention). What about all the rest of it?  Texting other people while at dinner with a completely different group of people? Forgetting to eat the food on your plate because you’re busy rearranging it so it makes for a pretty Instagram or Foodspotting picture?  Making a completely unnecessary ridiculous face into your “selfie” (I’ll go into my rage at that becoming Webster’s word of the year in another, possibly beer-induced post) camera for the sole reason of captioning it with “OMG SO AWK!” and Snapchatting someone with it? TEXTING AT THE MOVIES WITH YOUR BRIGHTNESS ON MAX!? I’m a little concerned for my two & a half year old nephew’s generation because this will be the norm to them. He has already known for over a year how to maneuver iPads and iPhones and iLaptops. He accidentally uses the regular TV as a touch screen sometimes! iPad was probably his 4th word after vacuum, mommy, and daddy. WHEN IS IT ALL TOO MUCH!?!?

In case you haven’t noticed by now, recently I’ve been experiencing world wide webxaustion. I think it partially hit when I went to the AT&T kiosk and the employee showed his colleagues with awe (& I’m pretty sure, a little disgust) that I’m the first person that he had ever met who actually made full use of the unlimited data plan with the fact that I use 12GB a month (the silver medal of the iPhone Olympics was awarded to my brother with a close but no cigar 10GB a month). Then it hit when I noticed my family & friends, including me, all on our phones at the same time while supposedly spending time with each other! I’m guilty of all of the annoying things I mentioned earlier (except I refused to ever succumb to Snapchat & I stopped the movie one, I swear), but lately I’m okay with not being attached to Pablo palm to case. Sometimes I purposely leave my phone in another room so that I’m not even tempted to see what my faves are tweeting about or who had the perfect tiny portion of the perfect tiny dessert at the perfect [tiny] overpriced restaurant (but also, a lot of my posts are of martinis at Applebee’s & I could just be slightly envious of those other people). And I’ve become more aggravated at others who are constantly on their phones when with me. I haven’t 100% succeeded yet, but I’ve begun to make a concerted effort to not be distracted when I’m with company or when I’m out with people for a meal or a get together. I’m slowly realizing that the quality of time being spent with my loved ones has been significantly less in quality & more just sitting near each other while talking to others via data plans, and I’m not okay with that. Last Sunday, I told my brother to get off of his phone (while he was playing whatever the newest “____ Bird” game out there is, I’m sure) because I wanted to “connect.” Besides the fact that he was a little creeped out, he still had to finish his game first. I MEAN, WTH! CONNECT WITH ME, MAN!

There are of course positives like being able to call my 90 year old grandma in Bombay on her cute little Nokia phone, stay in touch with my amazing family in India and friends in other countries all the time via What’s App (until Facebook ruins it), being able to Google anything on the go like doctors’ info, nearby restaurants & gas stations, the option to use pharmacy apps to refill prescriptions immediately, etcetera (I’m still on the fence about Siri, though), but I’d like to know how my brother’s day was at work, what my sister taught my nephew that day, what my little sister ate for lunch (trust me, that one is always interesting) via conversation; not pictures, not texts, not Facebook posts (also, someone please stage a Solitaire intervention for my mom and an Indian radio app intervention for my dad). By the way, I typed this post on my laptop & only looked at Pablo twice with no social media checks in between!!! Ah, progress is such sweet sorrow.

Anyway, I’m going to go tweet & Facebook this post now so..text me, tweet me, if you wanna (maybe) reach me!

P.S. You can follow me here & here. 😉

P.P.S. Most importantly, seriously, PLEASE DON’T TEXT/TWEET/POKE/SNAP/BLOG & DRIVE. 

Today’s Interlude: The Kim Possible Theme Song

Photo credit: ashisaggarwal122.wordpress.com